Well here it is: our third victim—I mean, participant—of our It Takes a Village to Write a Query series! Over the course of one month, this querier went through three grueling rounds of revisions with a total of nine critiques from our members. Check out our comments, the evolution of her query and maybe congratulate her in the end! Also, feel free to give your feedback on the final version.
HOPE IN BLOOM (I suppose I’d have to read the whole thing to understand the title, but I was looking for something that ties into her lotto dreams) is a 75,000 word contemporary YA novel. I am an English teacher as well as a member of SCBWI and CBW-LA. Great! I’m clear on genre and you have solid credentials.
Thank you for taking the time to review my work. I look forward to hearing from you.
General comments: I like your query and your premise a lot. It's very well written, and your voice flows well. I didn't have trouble picturing Mallory. She feels very family-oriented, ambitious, and I'd say she's also a dreamer. I'd love to read it and see how she goes through her 'lottery fever'. Does she daydream about her new life? Can she clearly see her life changing? Also, does daydreaming during her trips to the mini mart puts her in embarrassing situations? I'm not sure, but I sense a bit of comedy here.
My biggest concern is that it was too long. We don't need the details of why her family is having trouble. We just need to know that she's developed a gambling problem.
About the Querier, Leslie Hauser: