My debut novel released in November, and while I was nervous about trade reviews and Goodreads reviews and sales numbers, the thing that made me most nervous was knowing my friends and family were going to be reading my book.
I’m proud of my writing, and what friends and family
say won’t override what I think is best for a story. However, that doesn’t
mean it can’t hurt when people who are close to us disapprove, or
object, or think less of us. And they
usually want to participate in what’s going on in our lives. It can be encouraging and a positive
experience to have them involved. On the other hand, especially if your novel is something like a *cough* first cousins' romance, or *cough* YA with sex in it, reactions from people close to us can be quite damaging.
In the past few months, I've discovered few survival tips for dealing with the whole hairy situation.
1. Realize their reaction might have
very little to do with your book. Especially with a debut, when friends
and family pick up an author’s book, it’s usually because they have a
connection to the author—not because they thought the story sounded
interesting or because it was a genre they enjoyed. Most of my family
that read How We Fall doesn’t read YA or doesn’t enjoy romance. Many
of them weren’t familiar with the conventions and devices of the
category or the genre, and that can make a big difference in the
Comment I've received: "It wasn't bad for what it was. I'm not big on romance or teen fiction, though."
2. Recognize that friends and family aren’t
your audience. This has never been so clear to me as when some of my
grandparents read my debut. They just aren’t the readers I’m speaking
to, and so the language I’m using isn’t going to communicate nearly so
well to them. It’s not because of a flaw in me or my books. They’re
simply not receiving what I’m sending, and that’s okay.
Comment I've received: "Why did you have to write about that? There are so many nicer things to write about. You should write X or Y!"
let them affect what you write in the next book, or regret the choices
you made in the previous one. Don’t allow fear of disapproval to affect
what you write. Be true to the story, or it won’t be a story you love.
And without that, we lose a huge part of the reason that we write.
Comment I've received: "It really needed more action. The end was my favorite part. Can you put more action in your next one?"
When someone says, “I read your book!” don’t say “what did you think of
it?” That almost never turns out well. If they loved it, they will most
likely tell you without you having to ask, and if they didn’t love it,
you probably don’t want to know. Instead, say “thank you so much for
reading!” and divert the discussion.
Great follow-ups can be
asking them if they’ve read anything else lately, mentioning something
you’ve read and loved, or talking about the publishing journey instead
of the book. Friends and family are often curious about it, and talking
about the story you wrote is just one way they might try to connect with
you over that topic. If you’re getting the feeling they want to talk
not just about books in general but about your writing, turn the
discussion toward how exciting it was to get your author copies, or how
long it’s been a dream of yours to be published, or any detail like
that. And when you can, change the topic. Short and sweet is generally
less likely to be awkward.
Comment I've received: "Just remember to keep it clean." "Excuse me?"
"Well, I suppose you have to put that stuff in it to sell."
5. Avoid discussions of your
choices—most of the time. The more common advice is just to not discuss
them, but that can also mean you miss out. The best and worst moments
involving friends and family dealing with my book were discussing those
hot-button topics. For example, since I write YA, the things that people
close to me were bringing up were questions and comments like “I didn’t
think the swearing was necessary.” “There are some pretty high heat
make-out scenes for a teen book. Do you think that’s appropriate?” or “I
just can’t see why you would write a romance since it has all that
angst.” “So you let them drink under age?”
Every one of those
issues are things I’m passionate about, and they’re areas where I want
the people close to me to understand what I’m doing and not think less
of me for making choices I strongly believe are positive ones. And that
makes any discussion of those things risky. I don’t want to always
divert the conversation, because engaging in conversation about why
swearing can belong in YA is a great topic and I want to share my
beliefs with people who are close to me.
Some of the discussions
I’ve had with family over those topics directly concerning my books have
been wonderful. Some were incredibly frustrating and discouraging. If
it’s not for you, then by all means avoid it, but if you want to bring
your family in a little more, the best way I’ve found to deal with it is
to be intentional about picking the place, the time, and the people.
The family dinner table with a mixed group is likely not the time. A
crowded room where people can mishear and others can jump in without
having heard the context is likely not the best place. A special event
like a signing or launch party is not the time. And there are some
people who are more interested in hearing what you have to say in order
to respond, not necessarily in order to understand—and that’s where I
usually don’t want to discuss the issue. It won’t be productive. Some of
my relatives have different beliefs and no matter what explanation I
have, it won’t be a productive conversation there, either. If you have
family and friends who are up for a genuine discussion, I think it can
be great to go for it, in small pieces. It also may help to discuss
those issues in general, and not as they relate to your particular book.
Some of the best conversations I’ve had with some of my friends and family came
from that, and I’m closer to them and more open with them now because of
6. Keep in mind friends and family can be a fun and positive
part of your career. Some of them dislike my book and disapprove of the
content, but some of them love it, and have become wonderful fans. My
uncle’s parents, even though I’ve only met them twice and they are
definitely not the people I expected to enjoy the story, went out of
their way to tell me how much they loved it and that they’re eagerly
waiting for the next one—and they’re in their seventies. My brother, not
at all a guy who reads YA romance, not only read it but bought copies
for all of his wife’s family for Christmas. Seeing the people close to
me enjoy and participate in the process is encouraging and fulfilling
Especially with a debut, but also with an author’s
following books, friends and family may want to be involved and share
their opinions. Authors usually dread it. I still dread it. It’s
nerve-wracking and stressful, because we care. Since discouragement from
family can take a heavy toll on our creativity and energy, boundaries
are important. Ultimately, it’s your career, and giving yourself the
space to create freely is necessary. Limits, diverting the discussions
when it’s not a good time for you, and taking them a small piece at a
time can help manage participation from friends and family.
Kate Brauning is the author of HOW WE FALL, out Nov.
2014 from Merit Press/F&W Books. She's an editor with Entangled
Publishing/Entangled Teen, a freelance editor (K&A Editorial), and a YA suspense author. Kate loves unusual people, good whiskey, dark chocolate, everything
about autumn, bright colors, red maple trees, superstitions, ghost
stories, anything Harry Potter, night skies, pie, and talking about
Where to find Kate: Twitter, Facebook, Publishing Website, Author Website